Chapter 3: Hardships and Heartaches but Happiness Too
Since the day we moved out; We felt free from the bounds of Oren Donovan and my mother, Valerie, changed back to her maiden name eventually. Now she is Valerie Jones. My grandmother, Ginger Donovan, was no too happy about the divorce for Catholics aren't supposed to divorce. In retrospect; Myself, mother, Harry, and Jimmy weren't really Catholics (I tried to think I was Catholics but I thought that didn't accept me too well--considering how some Catholic schools have issues with assault or something else) but we were devoted Christians. We don't go to church. But we do pray and live in a way that God wants us to live. And going to church with my father was no picnic for me: My father was always listening to the sermons and praying, weeping like he was in shame and asking the Lord for forgiveness. And the next minute after church; he's driving and cursing to all the reckless drivers, driving too fast. It was a complete disaster. That's another reason why I don't want to go to church, not because of the noises no, but because of my father. Here he was praying in church and then the next, he is swearing his head off at drivers while going so fast. My God, you should've seen it. I wonder what anyone would think if they saw my father like this. We couldn't stand Dad for his behavior. His manipulations. We were all so sick of it, so that's why we left. But then, I still suffered panic attacks and it got worse for me. So, what happened next? Well, remember that new principal that helped my family and I? Her daughter, who has the exact same name as her, helped me out. I talk to her a little, she got me into this therapy session known as 21 Seconds. I was unsure at first but decided to give it a try. The 21 Seconds was a way to coax with panic attacks and turning fears into excitement. To my amazement, I started to think this was the best thing for me. Would like to hear? Here it goes: The first thing in the 21 Seconds is that you must observe your fear, embrace it, demand more from your anxiety, and then finally trust yourself. There were setbacks so nobody's perfect right?
In 2012 of the summer; I went to a job program and landed myself in JC Penney 5 Star Outlet in Sawgrass Mills Mall. I met this nice, black skinned woman who was my mentor. At JC Penney; I worked in the back of the store. I took clothes which were in packages, put price tags on them, and hang up the clothes nicely. Then the guys, who also worked alongside me, came to take the clothes on the wheeled railed thing where we hang the clothes. To me, it felt great to finally work at a place. There were some good times there, like going to lunch on breaks or joking a little. But we managed to get stuff done. In time, we were assigned to work in the store. Y'know, organize clothes that were hanging up, some things that need organizing. That was my favorite part of the job. I worked from June, July, until August. We were given an award, each of us. A paper certificate. And offered cake, one chocolate and one vanilla. It felt so good to be awarded for something you accomplished. Remember that black skinned woman who was mentoring us a little? Well, she became my teacher. I made the suggestion, I felt bad for her because she said she was having a hard time finding a job so I said that my school was looking for some teachers and I guess that's what happened. In time when she became my teacher; but over this year I was misbehaving and got on her bad side.
She thought I didn't have the Lord within me. She wanted to take me to church but that wasn't it. She just didn't understand. My behavior worsened as I one time escaped home and walked blocks from there. Mother and Jimmy found me, I tried to apologize but I knew it was too late. My stuff was taken, I yelled at my own mother, I got hit repeatedly but I knew I deserved it. I was making such a hissy fit that the police woman came and I managed to calm down. Knowing my behavior was getting stronger; I was assigned to take TKD classes after school. I didn't want to but I knew I had to get some help. Being in the TaeKwon-Do center for after schools for me, it wasn't so bad at first but then as time progressed, I begin to hate it. The boys didn't acknowledge my existance. The girls were really prissy, dramatic, and mean to me. And all of them were like little kindergartners to sixth graders. Some got in trouble and got really upset. Some were brats who pestered me, it was one heck of a nightmare. I didn't say anything to my mother because she wouldn't think of taking me out. I myself was afraid to leave for I'd be my bad self again and had to remember to have self control. My TKD instructor was never there a lot, he had always leave to do some errands while the kids acted crazy and someone had to watch them. It was the loudest place on the planet. I hated it, I always called Mom, made an excuse of saying I didn't feel well. I didn't want to train here or any where else anymore. I simply hated this. By the end of the year, I didn't take TaeKwon-Do after school classes anymore--which that was a relief for me. And that black skinned female teacher of mine wasn't my teacher anymore so I had a new one. I wasn't relieved that she was gone, she had to find another job but in the end, I didn't bad-mouthed about her. She taught me a few things. Even though sometimes she was harsh and a little bit wicked and misunderstood on my auditory sensitives; I'm not angry with her however I hope she understands someday.
My new teacher was much more understanding than the other. She always knew and was very caring of me. I must've brought her a lot of trouble but I knew I had to be cured in time so I can adapt more into the world and never be hypersensitive to the sounds again. Empathy. What is it? It is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. That is a thing I need to work on most. But also, I need to be more mature. On one hand of the person I'm empathetic to is my mom. My mother was going through some problems with the school: That principal I mention? Well, she gotten kind of mean, paranoid, and hypocritical as mother stopped being friends with her. My mother couldn't stand her ignorance and her negative attitude, putting down my mother. All the idiotic teachers (although some were considered 'bright and one of the best'), such as those who give tons of work to their students that do not make sense. Ugh! One was demanding of her payment and my little brother doesn't like her as his teacher. I know it's none of my business but let me tell you why I am writing this. We all go through hardships and dealing with people in our lives. Mother doesn't want me to know but I wouldn't tell a soul. Hell, I'm not saying any names of who is who. What they look like or anything such as that. But she talk about it over the phone with someone else as she was upset about it. I didn't want to know I was listening, The reason why I am in her business is because I want to be more empathetic to her. Once I was very selfish; and my mother became upset. She said, "You have to start being compassionate toward others. Not everything is about you!" I know eavesdropping is not the best thing for me. I guess. I just don't want to be like my dad, who was a selfish and vile man. A total jerk.
My little brother, Jimmy, was having a hard time with my father Oren. Oren is a jerk really: He tell Jimmy that he won't say anything bad about me, Harry, or my mother Valerie. But what does he do? He does it eventually, always yelling at such ridiculous things. Thinking my mother told Harry to lie to my dad about her being asleep. Or the things that happened before Jimmy was born. Seriously, why did he need to hear this bullcrap from him? Jimmy was trying to be nice to Dad but he just didn't want to see him or deal with his fricking stupidity. His smoking of cigarettes (Gross!). He and my mother debated, I could hear them (OK, I shut off my noise machine to listen! Sorry...) discussing but also arguing over about my dad. Finally one month later, Mother thought that my little brother needed help and decide to get him therapy. Jimmy didn't want to go back to Dad's place but there will be some conditions there. Jimmy didn't want to do it however he had no choice. I felt bad for him. But I've been getting on his nerves lately. He always gets angry at me. It was like Dad almost again.
In time of my progress; I felt my auditory sensitives were worsening. I also was going through repetitive behavior compulsion. My brothers and I have a relationship that seems difficult: We like to insult each other. Anytime I am being cheerful and happy, they just be dry and sarcastically mean. Whenever they are happy, I get all mean back just as they did to me. This was wrong, my mother asked us why are we being mean to each other. In retrospect, none of us have a clue. That's when I found out that I was going through this phase known as repetitive compulsion. The answer I knew, repeating the same things from the past over and over again. Going down the same route as my father did. I knew, I didn't want to go down that way. If I wanted my dreams to come true; I had to cure myself. I need to find cognitive behavioral therapy and sound therapy. I hated myself for being this way. I am not going to be the same as Dad was before. Never. Would I ever go down the path of denial like he did. I refuse, I would try to remember to have self control and get stronger every day.
I couldn't promise it because I already made promises to myself. I want to be better, I don't feel so strong now. My main goal was to be a perfect, a completely mentally sane and sound young lady. I don't want to change too much, I just want to make improvements. That's all I'm doing. But in my happiness of learning to sew, volunteering at Monkey Joe's and Walgreens, I felt like a responsible young lady. But I knew deep down I didn't feel this way. I had to surpass this shell of what I am and improve of the girl I want to be. A sane young lady. Madness of the sounds, madness of repeating the things my father did before. I will be me, nobody else but me and I will get help soon.
That puts an end of my chapter, would you like to hear about my graduation? My future? Turn the next page and find out.
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