Freak Girl Online Diary--Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Horrible Teen Years and the Bittersweet Struggle of Sanctuary 

My teen years was no coming of age ordeal. I was always childish, daydreaming, not being like everybody else. I wasn’t popular, nor was I an outcast too much either. I hanged out with the wrong crowd and my so-called friends ditched me. And it went on for at least when I was 13, to 14, and finally to 15 years of age. The story is so alarming, so unspeakable, that I can’t believe I’m writing this. But here it goes……

After agonizing in home school (It wasn’t too long, but yeah I hated it!), I finally went to middle school. However, no matter what occurred to me, my meltdowns were the same. They worsened. The more I got in trouble, the more I got abused by my father. My father held grudges the longest against me! I hate that, which was my biggest fears. I always fear that if I anger someone, this person would get angry and never talk to me again. In the aftermath out of this; my teachers weren’t so empathetic, they told me though to take medication. I made friends but it didn’t go too well. One of my friends try to help conquer my ‘fear’ by coaxing me to go to the movies. I was reluctant, because I had my ‘trauma’ all ready of movies. I’d already seen Monters Inc., Finding Nemo, Hey Arnold!, and Power Puff Girls. I hate how the theatres on how loud and blaring it is. I always made excuses to her, not wanting to go. It was the same with my parents—they all want me to deal with it. In this middle school, my class did a dumb, irksome, and sugar coated song. I did a solo of a cover son. I regret it later, guilty for being selfish. In this stupid school was purgatory. They had these small rooms, there was nothing but a desk and a chair. They would put kids in there if they had a meltdown or if you want to be by yourself. At the start, I didn’t mind but then I felt lonely and wanted to talk to someone however no one didn’t want to talk to me or acknowledge.

Depressed and angry as I blame myself for all the people I hurt; I started cutting my hair. I know, I know, it’s weird. But it was better than mutilating my arm and leaving bloody gashes across my wrists. My parents were overwhelmed and furious, so I had to go to a hair salon to get it properly cut. Anytime I’d got in trouble, I cut my hair all over again. My parents thought I was doing this for attention, but in truth I wasn’t trying to get attention. All I was doing was repenting, weird huh? But then again, I didn’t know what repentance looked like, doesn’t prophets fast for days and pray to God? Yeah, that wasn’t too good for me. I did not know why I cut my hair but then I found the answer, it was not cool yet it was better than slitting my wrists. And taking that awful medication, it made me over-weighted and hungry all the time. One time, my dad picked me up from school as he surprised me with French Fries. I was so starving but despite the medication, I ate so fast. My father gently scolded me to not to eat so fast. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't help it. He told me a second time to not eat so fast. I really wasn't playing, I was trying but that stupid medication was making me scarf it down faster. Then, my father had to go and open that big cake hole mouth of his, "STOP STUFFING YOUR FAT FACE!!!!" I stopped eating the fries, I was shocked over what he yelled at me. I didn't know whenever to cry or lash back but I felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart. Later when we got home, I was mad at him for what he said and he didn't apologize. I must've glared at him, he was angry and decided to punish me. Really? You're going to do that after you called me a 'fat face'? Geez, my father was such an ass like that. He's not an honest person I say. 

I went to another school eventually. Thinking I would find a safe haven, but yet again another disaster occurred. In the beginning, I made some friends and the teachers were nice at first and met my first crush. But slowly, I became a bullied victim around the ages of 13 to 14. It was one hell of a nightmare. The more different I was, boys targeted me for my writing. I was a ‘plagiarist songwriter’ (though I didn’t realize that I was copy-writing other songs that I love it but in reality, I didn’t know how to create my own songs). It was the unwanted attention that the bullies were attracted to me, they always asked me constantly ‘What’cha writing about?’ They laugh at me, pick on me. And they knew I was afraid of balls (No! Not a man’s balls but basketballs were the ones that I feared.) as they threatened to throw one, I cowered in fear and they laughed as they walk away from me. Jerks! One of the bullies was a black mane curly haired teen boy who pesters me. He was short, he was Spanish but he was white skinned. He one time flashed his butt at me. In my general direction. Yup, genius. Nice of you to flash your ass towards a lady bro. I should’ve kicked it. What a screw ball school it was! Anyway, moving on. I befriend some girls, who talked to me. They want to get to know me, they were rude and interrupted by ranting. But then, one of them betrayed me by spreading an awful, untrue rumor. Saying I was writing a song about a boy I like but it wasn’t true and thought every thing almost was a joke to her. Jerk off. My songs were about crushes on anime boys. I didn’t want to tell, I could some people didn’t know what anime was. 

But some found out about my love for anime and made fun of me. Well, actually I was bored and researched on Pokemon and my teacher humilated me. Then my friends teased  me in a horrible manner. They weren't true friends, they didn't get me and I stopped hanging out with them. The teachers and staff, they weren’t helpful, this stupid school wasn’t programmed to stop the bullies. One of my teachers was an old and cranky man. I once beg him about the bullies but he was flat out ignoring me as well as having cotton balls in his ears. Another teacher was a guy who made dumb, sarcastic, and personal jokes about sex. Some people laughed, me? It was too much! Bastard. I hated this school, I was sick of it. I always fake sick and sometimes I have to stay home. I felt guilty a little later because I should've told my mother. Sometimes I cut classes because I hate it. I hated this stupid school, I hated the bullies, I hated the teachers, and the staff who didn't help me with me being bullied. Fianlly, I told my parents and they told me that I could go to a Christian school. Not really a Catholic education, but something different. I was thrilled to hear this, I didn't talk to anyone that I wasn't coming back at all. Once the year was over, I left behind the school which was a living hell and to find my living heaven. Wanna hear more? It's bittersweet, but it might be a 'happy ending'. Well, sort of. My new life at this Christian school wasn’t so bad. But there was some flaws that made me uncomfortable: A type of class would play a movie as a part of a 'lesson'. But if you ask me, it was more like entertainment. Oh, the trauma. The laughter. My face all pink from my cheeks after they were implanting on the side of my face. My hair disheveled. How I still loathed the sound of laughter, I was still uptight. How more misbehaved I got. Then one of my teachers noticed and talked to my mother. 

How did I believe in God? It sounds scary, it's nothing personal but something that scared the heck out of me straight. There was a video, a Christian one, which talks about Hell in a letter. To Zach from Josh. It started off with the guy, Josh, who says in the letter that he died and how he was standing in line. But as the person in front starts to find his name, it wasn't in it and Josh was being pulled away. He asked what was going on but he was told that those who didn't believe in Jesus were going to Hell. Then, the guy was being put in a dark room and in that room; he thought about his friend--Zack--who was a Christian. But his friend always brushed off about the whole thing about Jesus. Just then, the dark room opens. The guy--Josh--was being pointed and dragged into the pits of fire and brimstone. Hearing the panic made me scared out of my wits. I never knew what Hell was. But the way it sounds, oh no! And I listened to it again a second time and that's when, call me crazy, I had communications with God. He somehow light a way for me and lead me onto a life that I've wanted. I prayed a lot, I accepted Jesus as my savior, and became anew. I started to study from the Bible, I started to learn about Jesus's life, and all the other Biblical stories. King David, Moses, and other religious tales. 

The friends I made were horrible to meet. Forget the living hell of my previous school, this place was all right but it was sad that these people were once nice to me, despite the face that I was a messed up and distraught. But I want to be part of them, to be normal. To be accepted. But alas, I was rejected. One was harsh to me, the other ignored me, some were mean snarks. Sooo, I stopped hanging out with them. I lost more friends for my behavior was getting more and more bad by the minute. I was rebellious, I went on a bus once with a friend and got in trouble. More punishments, more beatings from my father. I got off my medication, thanks to the school's encouragement. I have to give them more encouragement for that because I was sick of being fat and always hungry, always irritable. Here's another talke to tell you guys, and this is unbelievable from my point of view. The retired dean and founder of the Christian school I went to was a madwoman of all sorts. She was a fundamentalist Christian, believing that the world was coming to the end. Christ was coming back and the Devil will claim himself to be the Messiah, ruling the world. Take the mark or die for your faith in Christ. Originally I believed it, accepted it...But then panic roused through me. Do I want a world of eternal bliss in the New Heaven and New Earth? Like there's no pain, no sorrow? I mean, don't get the wrong way but in my opinion. It's too much for me, I want my pain to be ease but being happy and in a peaceful world all the time? No, I couldn't. I believe in God but this? Not really. 

Movies with crowds--I hate them! Why? Well, it is nothing to do with hypersensitivity sounds and no need to deny it. Here are some reason why: First of all I hate it when people talk during a film when you try to watch and listen. Those people are loudly obnoxious, they don't care if people are trying to observe. Second, I hate when I go to the movies, find a total mess with food. Bleh, but no, the loud noises are too much for me! Earlier in my middle school horrendous days: My mother, Valerie, couldn't stand it being around my father, Oren, so she went away with her a friend name Deiondra and her son, Meyneke 'Meick'. We knew these two since childhood however there has been some things I've noticed. Meick has been using my older brother, Harry, for his videos. After Harry did a voice-over video project of the president, Thomas Jeffrerson, Harry became known as TJ the Rapper. Harry was almost a legend of school however Harry didn't want to do it anymore. He didn't want to go outside, he simply didn't do anything but played video games and watch stuff on his iPod. Meick was a jerk to my older brother--and to my little brother Jimmy. Jimmy hated Meick's put downs and he thought I was weird! Man, it was so bad with being with Deiondra. Deiondra just lost her husband, who had liver problems and died (In truth, he himself was an alcoholic so that's what happened to him). Deiondra was miserable and drank a lot. Every time she was drunk; she was mean. Saying how my mother looked bad with her hair up. How we were losers. How this and that. I hated when she smokes, which affected my allergies though I was trying to be a great comfort to her. 

One night, I was offered to go with her for a sleepover. My mother was unsure about this but I was too excited. But during that time there, Deiondra was drunk but I didn't noticed. I was talking and joking with her however I noticed something was wrong. I was lying on an air mattress, she came over and started to get on top, for a moment I thought she'd might hurt me. I got away and realized she went on the mattress. I tried to talk to her but she was too intoxicated so I called my mother and told her what was going on. That was a long time ago, my mother didn't talk to her or hang out with her. Deiondra's drunk behavior was too much and my Mom had to live a positive life. So, that's what she did. After my older brother graduated; Deiondra went to New York with her so-called lover. That was the last time we ever heard about her. But never again. Back in 2011: My father's physical abuse lessen but his verbal and emotional abuse did not stopped. My mother hated it, she tried to deny it. And don't ask me how the other teachers knew what went on with my mother but they did. Dad came by one day at some school thing and talk to one of the staff embers about how he always goes in his room all the time and not watch TV with his wife. My mom was so mortified for what he did, she was angry. She later told Dad that she never said anything like that. 
The new principal found out of the 'monster' my father was, for she had been through a domestic violence relationship herself. So, she talked to my mother and my mother was starting to get it. So, my mother decided to do something once she understood what was going on and what she could do. 

My father was constantly picking on Harry, who hasn't been coming out because he himself couldn't stand Dad. This comes from the man, who wanted us to get a dog and we eventually got one. A Shih Tzu. Anyways, I'm getting off track. Dad and Harry got into a horrible argument and then, Dad told him that he'd kicked him out. My mother decides to find a new house for all of us, but we had to make it look like Harry was moving out. Previously, Dad also accused the rest of us of neglecting the dog, when the truth was we were taking care of the dog but we had our own lives too. He thought of taking the dog for himself, however I don't think our dog liked my father so much. But when my father found out what was going on, he suddenly changed. Well, that lasted for a minute. My father tried to make changes and try to prove himself he would like to do a family plan however we were still moving out. So, with no getting anywhere; Dad hugged me and my brothers goodbye. He went out the door, and took the car--with all my brothers' stuff. That's when we had to call the principal, who bonded with my mother, and she told us she'd be right there. She instructed us to get things packed and get out of there. So, that's what we did and we moved into our new home. We didn't get the furniture but there was no time. We took everything we could, we could take the dog with us. The next morning, we got the rest stuff in the big van. Dad was away at work. But we still didn't have my older brother's stuff so Jimmy, who became "Daddy-kins' favorite" because Jimmy was nicer to him thank Harry and I were. 

However, Dad tried to steal our second car. Jimmy and I witnessed this as we encouraged Mom to call the police. She was like, "Are you sure?" She seemed skeptical, I was like: "Mom! Don't let him take the car!" And she was convinced. The cop came, he came and talk to my father. My father acted like a child and eventually, Dad went away in his car (The one he borrowed from Grandma Ginger Donovan) and we went with a friend. During that time, I was quiet. I was stunned over what just happened. Mom noticed, she asked me if I was OK. I denied it but she wasn't backing out and I eventually gave in as she hugged me. I cried, saying that I couldn't believe my father would do such a thing. Later in a few days, Jimmy eventually got the stuff back but Pop was still being manipulative. My mother refuse to let me be part of the divorce court or anything to do with my fathe. I was at first upset but then I learned why: My mother’s biggest fear is that our father would manipulate us, turning me and my brothers against my mom. But you wanna know something? I always have to ask mother questions after what my father would tell me, asking if any of it was true. She would explain the whole story, and I’d get mad at Dad for trying to poison me. I read and research from domestic violence to child abuse. I realize what was going on. So, I was trying to find people who had been through things that related to child abuse and domestic violence. But lost interest because I wanted to live a positive life. 

OK, well. That parts over. Now, it's time for me to tell you on the changes I went through. The nightmares of my childhood I had are in the past. Now, it was time for me to look into the future and its new beginnings.